(or until all our friends settle down and we're alone and realise we've made a huge mistake putting ourselves first all this time because now all the good guys are taken)

Obviously, due to being the attractive specimen that I am I had big plans on Valentine's Day, multiple date offers... Just kidding, the only thing in my life screaming "do me" was a huge pile of laundry and probably some reading that I've been neglecting.  I actually did get asked out (no really), but I didn't want to go on a first date on VDay because that would be weird, and also, I wanted to make that joke about laundry.

ANYWAY, despite all that and my man-hatery, I do love Valentine's Day...  Wait what? Yeah, I know.  I actually love love, just as long as I'm not in it.  I love all the cheesy gifts, I think they're hilarious, who doesn't want a lobster with "Pinch Me I Think I'm In Love" written on the side?  The problem is, I invariably get to celebrate it as it's supposed to be celebrated because I love being single..... Oh yeah, and no one would ever have a crush on me so... why would people buy me that stuff?

I don't know if it's possible to tell people that you're happily single - like really, really happy to be single - without it sounding like you desperately want a boyfriend... but please believe me when I say I am.  I actually don't care if you believe me, it's the truth either way.  Men can probably get away with saying they like being single without being accused of lying... double standards.  This is probably also a good time to point out that I don't love being single because I want to sleep with many, many men.  Men can get away with being happily single without being called sluts too... triple standards.

I just love being single and I'm good at being single and sometimes I worry that I'll end up alone because I'll be so busy being single that all the good ones will be taken.  I guess I could just steal a married man.... but that's kind of immoral.

Anyway, if you're one of those girls who spent vday watching The Notebook, drinking wine and crying... here's why you should've been celebrating instead!


1. you have more time to achieve goals and focus on yourself

I'm not saying you can't achieve goals in a relationship, I guess if you're with the right person and getting the right kind of support from them they can even help you with that.  I do believe that being by yourself gives you the space and freedom to realise what YOU really want!  Whether that's with work or travel or fitness, anything you do, you're doing it for yourself.  Which is great because who better to make happy than that voice in your head you have to spend all of your time with?  It's that classic "love yourself first" thing, ya know.

2. sisters before misters

Sometimes when you're in a relationship your significant other becomes your best friend... which is lovely... relationship wise!  But when that inevitably comes to an end and they realise you're an annoying mess and leave you for someone better, you're really going to need your friends.  Sometimes you forget how much you love them until then, which sucks, but the best ones stick around anyway because y'know we've all been stuck in a boy-bubble... Your friends are some of the most important people in your life and - as long as you're not a dick - they don't break up with you!  Being single gives you the time to really appreciate that and have those fun girly and paint each others toenails and have pillow fights in your underwear.  Lol jk... we literally never do that.



3. dat freedom though

You wanna go to that new Mexican restaurant? Oh but your boyfriend doesn't like Mexican food... Bummer.  Or you want to spend six weeks travelling around Europe? Dream job in Dubai? Spontaneous trip to Paris? Or the pub? Or the moon? Okay, not the moon... But seriously, a friend could call you up and be like "I'm going to South America for six months, wanna come?" and you'd only have to check with your bank balance.


4. more money for yourself

Relationships make you spend money, unless you're some kind of money-grabbing-gold-digging-hoe... which... you know... no judgement.  But sometimes in a relationship with all that equality and feminism and stuff, you end up going out more and spending money on your other half and buying them gifts for their birthday.  You don't have to do that if you're single.  In fact, it would be really, really weird if you started buying your ex presents...... don't do that.

5. less stress

Yeah, ten guys liked my selfie and who's gon' shout at me about it? Oh right, no one.  Who's gonna argue with you because you haven't seen them enough this week?  Probably your needy bestie, if you're lucky enough to have one... but it won't be your lame boyfriend.

6. no heartache

Being single means you don't have to fall asleep at night wondering whether that guy next to you will still want to be with you the next day.  I don't even have a joke here, not being in a relationship just seriously decreases your risk of heartbreak...



7. MY bed

OH MY GOD YAAAAS.  You get to take up all the space you like, you can stay on your phone or your laptop until 1am without worrying if someone else wants to go to sleep, you can wake up when you want, you don't have to worry about someone waking you up in the middle of the night to cuddle (eurhghh... although apparently some people like that?), you don't have to put up with anyone's bad morning breath, or getting kicked in your sleep, or punched in your sleep, or getting too hot because there's someone else in your bed.  Hello good sleep.

8. you get to pick the movie

Sometimes I just want to watch Bridget Jones, okay?  I don't need any complicated plot lines where I'm just going to be asking you what's going on half the time.



9. you don't sacrifice yourself

Not in a creepy voodoo way... but even good relationships take work and time and energy and compromise.  I honestly feel like I'm just too young to compromise what I want.  Being single gives you the chance to learn that you don't want to sacrifice yourself, preparing you to be in a relationship if/when you're ready for one.  I mean don't take it too far, compromise is a good thing, you don't want to lose the ability to do that, but you learn what's worth compromising and what isn't.

10. you learn to look after yourself

Being by yourself teaches you how to really take care of yourself.  You stop relying on someone else to bring you happiness and start finding it on your own.  You cheer yourself up when you're feeling down or you lean on your close friends and you realise you're okay by yourself.  You have to buy your own cough medicine and emergency tampons and soup... actually that part kind of sucks, but not nearly as much as becoming reliant on someone else and then having to work out how to do it all over again.

11. you can laugh at yourself for being single

This is legit one of my favourite things to do.  I don't actually think anyone else finds it as funny as I do, but I still think it's hilarious.  What you do is every time you do sometime awkward/unsexy/weird (basically everything I do), you say "oh my god, why am I single?" or "I can't believe no one will date me" or "yeah, this is why I'll be alone forever".

It's funny, people laugh... I laugh.  Maybe other people don't laugh, I wouldn't be able to tell over the sound of my own laughing.



12. dating is fun

Dating is so much fun, provided you don't fall for a douchebag and get your heart crushed over and over whilst telling them that you're chill, down for whatever, have no real feelings for them ahahaha *cries*.

Seriously though, you can talk to as many guys as you like, you don't have to worry about anyone getting jealous, you can go on dates, hook up with handsome strangers you meet on holiday, get dinner bought for you every now and then... no strings attached.  Should I again point out that I'm not a slut?  I'm just noting your options here.

On the other hand, you could find yourself being disappointed by multiple men...  Probably more likely... That is the risk you take.

13. TINDER

I genuinely don't understand why anyone wouldn't want Tinder, it's so entertaining.  Is it okay to keep Tinder even when you're in a relationship?  Probably not...


14. you can still believe in happily ever after

Even though you're having the best time of your life, you can still believe that one day someone is going to sweep you off your feet and it will be at just the right time and it will be uncomplicated and perfect and fun... and you won't have any regrets!

Lump is such a disgusting word, right?  It's so gross, but 'finding the tumour' sounds kind of scary... and also, I didn't have just one tumour, I had lots of tumours all over my heart and lungs and possibly my liver too, but there was some dispute about that and I'm not sure if they ever cleared it up.  See, that all just sounds way scarier, right? and it wasn't really scary yet.

I don't remember the exact moment I found it.  It seems weird now that I don't remember it, because I probably should.  I suppose, at the time, I didn't realise that it would be this huge defining moment in my life and a lot of my memory was being utilised to store Taylor Swift lyrics.  I don't remember if I saw a shadow in the mirror and wondered what was protruding out of my skin, just above my right collarbone.  I don't remember if I was moisturising and brushed my hand against it, or if I was scratching my neck and accidentally stumbled upon it.  Thinking back now, I honestly have no idea whatsoever how I discovered the cancerous tumour resting on the outskirts of my neck.  I think I was lying in bed, brushing a hair off my neck or something when my fingertips first discovered it, but I couldn't say for sure. I should remember, because looking back that was a pretty huge moment in my life, but I just don't.  I don't know if I was scared or confused or if I just had no idea what was about to happen.  I don't know if I was actually so scared that my brain doesn't want me to remember it... although I'm pretty sure that's not the case.  I just didn't realise it was an important moment.

I remember that it was night time when I found it, it must've been 23:30 at least and I'm pretty sure it was a school night, possibly a Sunday.  It was April 2010, near the end of April... I don't remember the exact date, but I want to say the 25th or the 26th.  With this vague information, I could probably look it up and work it out exactly, but who really cares?

I think dad was still awake, watching tv but mum had definitely gone to bed, so I went to find Emily.  She was on the computer probably talking to boys on MSN because people still did that back then.  I remember I told her about it and she poked it and I remember laughing, we both laughed because it was squishy and it moved up and down my collar bone a little bit when you pushed it.  It was really funny and kind of gross, but we like gross things. Then I remember stopping laughing and saying to her something along the lines of "This kind of isn't funny though, like... it could be cancer."  I think I was a little bit freaked out at this point, but as a healthy-ish fifteen year old I probably managed to convince myself that it probably wasn't, because who gets cancer?  Other people get cancer, we just hear about it and acknowledge that it's sad because we know it is, but what do we really know about suffering?  Emily just laughed and said "it's not cancer, you dick" or something equally sentimental.  She then proceeded to really freak me out as she told me a story about people who found lumps in their necks and it turned out to be a spider's nest and then one day hundreds of teeny tiny baby spiders started crawling out of their skin and all over their body. As sick as it sounds, that was scarier than cancer at that point.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I actually said in that moment "Oh my god, I would rather have cancer."

I think I told my mum the next morning.  I distinctly remember her pushing it in both directions and saying something along the lines of "well, it's not a tumour because it's moving and tumours don't move.  It's probably just a gland, but we should take you to see the doctor because you haven't been that well recently anyway."  We were standing in the hallway as she examined it, about to leave for school and Hannah was standing next to her saying "Ewww, I want to touch it" and laughing.  I probably let her play with it after mum was done, we used to play with it a lot because it was really freaky and gross, but equally funny.

Mum was right though, I hadn't really been myself recently but it was nothing serious and I'd put it down to other things.  For one, I was hardly eating at all and I hadn't been for months. That was a whole entirely separate issue (because I have more issues than Vogue), but it was probably the stress of exams and I felt a lot of pressure to be skinny.  I know that sounds weird, because I'm tiny and I pretty much always have been (minus the time they put me on steroids and I went up two clothes sizes), but I was terrified of gaining weight.

Anyway, I'd been really, really tired; there were a couple of days I was so exhausted that I just suddenly lay down in the middle of the kitchen floor because I didn't have the energy to move to somewhere more comfortable.  I remember one day I was too tired to really function at all, I tried to stay up and move around, but every room I went to I had to lie down. I can't even explain what it was like because I haven't really felt exhaustion quite like that since.  I just remember I felt really weak, like I'd been awake for 30 hours but it was only 11am.  I put it down to a bad night's sleep or that I only ate half a potato 12 hours ago - both perfectly reasonable explanations.  There were probably other symptoms we missed... I guess I'd been waking with night sweats, but I didn't really think about it at the time.  If you wake up covered in sweat, you just get a bit grossed out, assume you had too many blankets or layers or whatever and have a shower.  You don't think "shit... well that's cancer.".

So, we went to the GP either that day or the next and I missed a morning of school, which was great.  It's almost hilarious when I think of it now but I was NEVER sick as a child which meant I never got to miss school, so I was on some level delighted.  Almost hilarious, because if I don't laugh, I'll cry, but pre-Cancer, feeling unwell was a cold maybe once a year... Now it's a daily occurrence.  I think it's actually become part of my identity, I'm just that girl who's always sick (and always complaining and always late... not sure I can blame those on cancer though).

I remember sitting in the doctors office as the lump was examined.  She asked me if it hurt, which it didn't and then started talking to my mum about stress and exams.  My mum expressed concern that I was working too hard for my GCSEs and that I was "overdoing it" (which is hilarious because, I wasn't, I was really just drawing a lot for my Art exam and neglecting subjects that might actually be useful).  Perhaps I was anaemic, or just "coming down with something".  That was an optimist diagnosis, because in reality I was coming down with cancer, but we wouldn't have that confirmed for another couple of months.  I think they took my bloods, or maybe I had to make another appointment for that, and I distinctly remember the doctor asking if I had itchy skin (which as far as I noticed I hadn't) and if I'd been near any cats.  The answer to that was a HELL NO, because cats are disgusting.

She had a calm voice and went through several possible reasons for my new squishy friend.  It was a gland, a lymph node, but we shouldn't worry because sometimes they do just pop up and it may just go back down again.  I don't feel like anyone was worried at this point though, it could've easily been nothing... but, just to be on the safe side - a phrase I'm pretty sure they use around children and mothers, to ease them into bad news gently - an appointment would be made at the hospital where I could see a wonderful paediatrician and she could take it from there.