The Name Complex
having a low-key bizarre AF name
I have a kind of weird, big nose, I'm a little too tall, too skinny, with the smallest boobs ever, long, gangly limbs, a manly back and hip bones that have always stuck out just a little too far...
I'm basically Pinocchio with longer hair, and a marginally better butt.
My mum is 100% going to send me a Facebook message telling me not to be so mean to myself after that little self hate-i-ness... wait, what? I don't know, but I like hate-i-ness, I'm sticking with it. Don't worry, mum, it's just a joke, I love myself.
ANYWAY...
Rational or irrational, we all have insecurities and those are a few of mine... but my weirdest and probably most irrational of them all is that I am ridiculously embarrassed of my name. So much so, that as I write this although a few people are probably thinking "Guuuuurl, that is so dumb." I'm pretty sure the other 90% are more "Yup, I'd be embarrassed about that...".
Actually, Mum, if you are reading this, I'd just stop right now 'cause you've heard all this 100 times before and you won't like anything I have to say here... (sorry!)
My first name is Jemima... Yes, really... and even typing it, I'm cringing. You know the funniest thing about my name? My sisters' beautifully average names, Emily and Hannah. Oh, what I would've given not to be the middle child, the one who got the quirky name so no one could accuse my parents of being boring. My mum has assured me several times that this was not the case, that they were just picking names they liked and they never envisaged that it would cause so much of a problem. They had no idea what a nightmare child I'd turn out to be... probably wish they'd just given the name to one of my sisters instead.
I know, I know, there are worse things in the world than my name - I mean this is a serious first world problem, I'm not expecting anyone to lose any sleep over it! But I'd be lying if I said I hadn't.... Your name is part of your first impression, and my first impression is usually a joke as it is - I didn't need an imaginative name to make it even worse!
It's got to the point now, where I feel genuinely embarrassed when people ask me to introduce myself, call me by my name or even write it down. I awkwardly stand there, trying to make polite conversation, little do they know I'm using small talk as a crafty distraction to avoid the question I dread the most. And then it happens...
"What's your name, by the way?"
Palms sweating, you got this, just try not to make it awkward like last time.
"Ridiculous"
Shit. You can still recover! Just tell her your name, she thinks you're weird now. Laugh it off...
"Hahahahahaha, it's Jemima... but-I-hate-it-it's-so-embarrassing-blame-my-parents-obviously-they-hate-me..." *awkward laugh*
Yeah, say more words in close succession. That'll help.
"You-don't-have-to-call-me-that!"
WHAT? Who does that? Does anyone do that? Has anyone else in the history of the world ever introduced themselves and then told someone not to call them by the very name they just introduced themselves with?
"I have loads of nicknames, so many names I respond to... Literally call me anything, just shout 'slut' and I'll probably turn around. Hahahahaha"
Oh my god. Just stop talking. You don't even know this person. Let her talk. At least give her the option to walk away...
"Oh....... I-I""
Don't know what to say? Yep, I've made this awkward. Maybe I should walk away...
"Err.. I think it's a nice name! ...... It's unusual."
(this part only happens if I'm in England - if I'm speaking to an American or Canadian I'm usually faced with "Hahaha, like the pancake lady?" and if it's anyone from Europe I get twenty questions... "that's an interesting name, what is it? say it again, I've never heard that before. Where's it from? Really? What is it again? Je- Je- Jemaaaaaaymaa? Jemeeeeeeeema? Jimimahhh?")
"Yeah, it's just weird... I don't like"
"So why don't you change it?"
Such a fucking excellent question. I wish we could just stop talking about this.
"Umm............ I just... I don't really know what to change it to"
Duuuhhh... How about... a name you do like? Maybe you should just change your entire identity at this point, cut all ties now, make new friends... they'll like you more anyway, because you'll have a cool name. In fact, not even a cool name, you should probably just settle for an average one at this stage.
And that's pretty much how it goes. I end up genuinely considering moving away so I can start fresh with a less embarrassing name and I'd never again have to deal with:
- "Hahaha, no your real name."
- "What is it? Say it again... What?"
- "Are you joking?"
- "Why did your parents call you that?" *laughter*
- "Is that actually a name?"
- "Je-whatnow?"
- "Like the duck?"
- "Like the pancake lady?"
- "Like the kid in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?"
- *laughter*
- "Do you have any siblings? Do they have weird names too?"
- "Wow, so I guess your parents decided they didn't like you pretty early on"
- "what are you sisters called? ... obviously your parents realised they made mistake before they got to the last one. *laughter*"
- "Your name is not Jemima! *laughter* No one's called Jemima!"
Yup. Thanks, mum and dad.
a comprehensive list of the precise reasons i don't like it
This isn't just me being a baby, this name actually has so many problems.
So, I've constructed a comprehensive list of reasons my name is not the greatest:
1. It has too many syllables, who needs that many? Like two is enough, it's actually an effort just getting my attention. I think it's really weird that my parents actually went with that, with the knowledge that they'd have to say 'Jemima' several times a day for potentially the rest of their lives (provided I don't die before them, which let's face it, I've come pretty close! AYYEEE. Cancer jokes!). I'm honestly pretty grateful I don't have to talk to myself, because I'm semi-sure that I pronounce it incorrectly at least half the time I introduce myself... It's pretty hard to say, no?
2. It kind of rhymes with vagina... I don't think I need to elaborate on this point, though maybe pointing out that my last name rhymes with 'bendy' will give you some indication of the nicknames I got at school. Again, thanks mum and dad!
3. People misread it. I used to get sweaty with panic every time we had a substitute teacher at school taking the register..... Like, I will take Jemma, but please don't call me Jeremiah.
4. People mispronounce it... Even the people who chose it.
Last year my dad accidentally called me Giomima and seconds later my mum went with Jermamima.
SERIOUSLY?! YOU NAMED ME. YOU DID THIS TO ME.
5. People misspell it. Someone once spelled my name "Germima"... Like I'm some kind of germ.
Also, my parents recently added an additional "aggghh" to the end of my name because I am such a hassle. They think they're so funny...
6. It sounds even stupider when people from other countries try to pronounce it - my French friend said it with a French accent and we laughed pretty hard... It was even worse in Spanish, because 'J' is pronounced more like 'H'. My Polish friend just looked at me with utter bemusement when I first met her, and had to practice a few times before she got it... Even now I'm not sure she always says it correctly. I travel quite a bit, you know, it's just causing problems globally at this point.
7. It means 'dove'. One time I told someone that they responded with "oh yeah, my name means Radox."
8. Starbucks.
(not actually my cups, but evidently I'm not the only one who has a problem there)
9. I'm never going to find it on a keyring in a gift shop.
10. It's pretty pretentious. My name along with my unwarranted semi-posh accent, leads people to think I'm much richer and much more stuck up than I actually am. Which is annoying, because I'm very poor and in debt right now....... and I'm working on the stuck up thing...
11. If I overhear people talking about me, they are definitely talking about me. There's no "oh, it's probably that other Jemima..." because there probably is no other Jemima within 100 miles.
12. Other people are embarrassed of saying my name, either because it's weird or because they're not entirely sure what it is and they don't want to get it wrong. I have a lot of friends who've admitted they just avoided addressing me by my first name for months, because they weren't really sure what it was or how to say it. I have literally slept with people who aren't sure what to call me... (although, maybe that's more of a reflection on me than my name. AYEEEE!). No but really, I have been in semi-serious, but not-quite-relationship, non-slutty, fling-type situations with people who just didn't say my name the entire few weeks it lasted.
a thousand and one names to choose from
- Jemima
- Mima
- Mimey
- Mimes
- Jam
- J
- Jamie
- Jemma (This is mostly people who think Jemma is my actual name and I've corrected them so many times it's just too awkward now... I've never asked anyone to call me Jemma)
- Jem (actually I usually don't respond to this one...)
- Jim
- Jimjam
- Jamjar
- Jammylee
- Jamaica
- Jumanji
- Ja-may-may
- Je-mee-mee
- Jimpops
- Jiminy Cricket
- Duck
- Puddle
- Puddle Duck
- Pieman (I don't know, ask my dad.)
- Nugget (I don't know, ask my uncle.)
- Slut/Whore/Princess (I don't know... okay, I kind of know... but ask Laura.)
I'm not joking, I have people in my life who currently call me by every one of those names (like not all in one go, that would be weird). Also, I think it would be worth noting that some of my friends have multiple nicknames for me and account for a few of the names on that list... I don't have THAT many friends.
There are actually others (let's not forget my mum has been known to address me as 'Mimey Pimes'...) but we don't need to go into the really embarrassing ones... I think I've already done a pretty good job of establishing that Jemima is embarrassing enough.
I've just reached a point in my life where I really want to be able to introduce myself in peace.
I want to go to Starbucks and not tell them that my name is Katie or Emma or whatever name I think of in the moment.
I want to not be embarrassed when my friends try to get my attention in public (probably not going to happen, my friends are just embarrassing, but we'll give it a go).
I want to just say my name the one time and not be laughed at as a response. As much as it's a hilarious conversation starter - mostly for everyone else, let's not forget how many times I've heard this joke - I feel as though I have enough personality to make things funny by myself.
So, in conclusion, I have to change my name because ... well, I'm twenty two and I don't like my name and I'm bored of stressing about it every day. That is not an exaggeration, I stress about my name DAILY and that is ridiculous.
As you can probably tell from the name of my blog, I've chosen to go by Jamie from now on. I've been trial running it in Mexico and Seattle and it's fine, it works. I tried Mima, but that honestly causes the same problems as Jemima because people are still embarrassed of saying it and they mostly just think it's pronounced 'Mee-ma' anyway, which is dumb and makes me feel like a six year old. Also, I don't like it when strangers call me Mima, it's kind of something that family members and close friends do... it's like a cute fam thing, it's weird with strangers.
HOWEVER...
Realistically, I don't expect people who have called me Jemima for 22 years to start calling me Jamie. Honestly, that would be kind of weird. My parents are never going to go for it because I can tell you right now, that's a name they'll hate.
I'm not going to be legally changing it or anything at this point, because honestly who has the time, it's just going to be my name kind of and people aren't going to be weirded out when I stop introducing myself as 'Jemima'.
OKAY. THAT'S ALL. THANKS, BYEEEEEEEE.
There are actually others (let's not forget my mum has been known to address me as 'Mimey Pimes'...) but we don't need to go into the really embarrassing ones... I think I've already done a pretty good job of establishing that Jemima is embarrassing enough.
so i'm low-key changing my name
I've just reached a point in my life where I really want to be able to introduce myself in peace.
I want to go to Starbucks and not tell them that my name is Katie or Emma or whatever name I think of in the moment.
I want to not be embarrassed when my friends try to get my attention in public (probably not going to happen, my friends are just embarrassing, but we'll give it a go).
I want to just say my name the one time and not be laughed at as a response. As much as it's a hilarious conversation starter - mostly for everyone else, let's not forget how many times I've heard this joke - I feel as though I have enough personality to make things funny by myself.
So, in conclusion, I have to change my name because ... well, I'm twenty two and I don't like my name and I'm bored of stressing about it every day. That is not an exaggeration, I stress about my name DAILY and that is ridiculous.
As you can probably tell from the name of my blog, I've chosen to go by Jamie from now on. I've been trial running it in Mexico and Seattle and it's fine, it works. I tried Mima, but that honestly causes the same problems as Jemima because people are still embarrassed of saying it and they mostly just think it's pronounced 'Mee-ma' anyway, which is dumb and makes me feel like a six year old. Also, I don't like it when strangers call me Mima, it's kind of something that family members and close friends do... it's like a cute fam thing, it's weird with strangers.
HOWEVER...
Realistically, I don't expect people who have called me Jemima for 22 years to start calling me Jamie. Honestly, that would be kind of weird. My parents are never going to go for it because I can tell you right now, that's a name they'll hate.
I'm not going to be legally changing it or anything at this point, because honestly who has the time, it's just going to be my name kind of and people aren't going to be weirded out when I stop introducing myself as 'Jemima'.
OKAY. THAT'S ALL. THANKS, BYEEEEEEEE.
2 comments
I was sulking around, but this made me giggle!
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I feel your struggle. I also only use Nora with internationals because people get a look on their face like that of a rabbit you cross in the middle of the lane at night whenever I introduce myself with my full name. Five syllables. Many vowels, an l and a thrilled r.
And it's not even an uncommon name. At least, it's heard of in English, too. (Although even my boyfriend once mispelled it in an otherwise deeply heartfelt note...) People would just avoid addressing me by name, or at all.
I used to think Nora was cute (some rabbit-boy I used to like biased me in favor of it I guess), but now I'm a bit uncomfortable with it, it feels like an ill-fitting shirt.
Ele is very familiar, maybe too much though I've grown more used to it, but it's still a pronunciation challenge in an Anglophone environment. It's so short that if mispronounced I would totally miss it (rude!). And that's just the best option for a shortening, since many would deem Eleonò to be rude (I love it) and Eleo is utterly ridiculous.
So last time at Starbuck's I went with Eleanor. No one made a face and I even got an adequate spelling! It sounds quite old fashioned in English, and still a bitch to get across in a loud environment, but at least it has the feeling of original... so I'm considering going by that in the future.
I used to think it was unreasonable for foreigners to change their names when they went to a foreign country, I felt it was like they were erasing their full identity just to spare some strangers a little effort. Which of course they are, in a way - that's why it's so weird to choose a different name I guess. But now I get it. As you said, if you don't adjust it to the new environment, most of the times people will just do it for you and then you don't have a say in what you're gonna be labeled as.
I root for Jamie cause imprinting, but I think Jemima is fine. I like pancakes, and ducks too, so that's not a problem. There's a good rhythm to it. I like the alternating vowel sounds. I'm not trying to make you change your mind (I'm not a fool!) I'm just saying for the benefit of other Jemimas out there.
No sulking! HAHA. We still miss you so much! We're taking a historical linguistics class this semester and we wish you were there because it's so interesting!
DeleteAnywaaay, yeah I remember you mentioning that you prefer Eleonora - which I prefer too because it's so much fun to say! - but it is a lot of syllables and it's annoying hearing someone butcher your name. Hahaha, our names were not made for international travel!
I totally get what you mean about feeling like your name doesn't fit - it's so difficult responding to something that doesn't really feel right. If I'm entirely honest though, Jemima doesn't really feel like my name either and it hasn't for a while! I think I'm having a little bit of an identity crisis! Jamie feels right at the moment though, so I'll stick with that for a while.
I personally love Nora and Eleonora, I guess you just have to go with whatever feels right. The fact is though, that people will probably just call you what they want anyway!
P.S. "my boyfriend once misspelled it an otherwise deeply heartfelt note" made me laugh!