I'm Fine, I Just Can't Breathe and I'm Having Chest Pains, Don't Be Dramatic.

The few weeks after my first hospital appointment were weird.  There wasn't much I could do, it can take a few weeks to be diagnosed, so I just went to school and acted normal - okay, not normal, I was a complete weirdo at school, but I just carried on with my life.  It was just waiting for letters to my parents, about me, then more blood tests, scheduled scans, potential surgeries, more 'keeping an eye on me'.  Keeping an eye on what exactly?  I just remember being like "umm... I'm fine, obviously" because I thought I was the toughest of all the cookies and nothing could touch me.  Spoiler alert, I kept up the obnoxious "I'm fine" act for many months to come - actually, many years... That's probably why I have so many issues now!

ANYWAY.

Over the next few weeks I told a few of my friends a little bit about what was going on, but in my own special way... I told a few of them that there was a squishy lump in my neck, but at this point I still thought it was kind of hilarious.  I didn't tell them it might be cancer, whether I thought I was protecting them or whether I was still in denial, I don't know.  I think I mainly just didn't want people to think I was telling people I had cancer for attention, like what if I didn't have cancer in the end?  How awkward.  I think I told my best friend at the time that it might be cancer.  I don't remember her reaction, but I think it was pretty calm.  We were all pretty calm, because it probably wasn't cancer.  Or because we didn't have to admit that it was just yet...

My entire family continued the "well, she's probably fine, because look how healthy she is, she'd be sicker if she had cancer" act.  I remember my mum saying one day that some of my bloods came back clear, so that was a good sign and my dad replying "not all cancers show up in bloods".  It's always nice to have a realist around, because dad was right and not all cancers do show up in bloods... even my blood cancer.  Please don't ask me how that works, I literally had a blood cancer but, you know... I don't know... Science.

At that point it did seem like I was probably fine though.  I was so fatigued some days that I literally lay down in the middle of the kitchen floor and fell asleep, but that's not completely unusual behaviour, right?  I seemed basically fine.  Obviously I wasn't, or this entire blog series would be boring and pointless.  I'm just saying, some cancers are sneaky bitches and you don't even know that they're there until they mess up and decide to start creating visible tumours, stupid cancer.  Although, maybe it just ran out of space on my vital organs...

Everything seemed okay until the middle of May, when I started noticing a few things... Nothing too dramatic, but subtle hints that I was not, like I kept telling everyone, okay.  I woke up one morning completely covered in sweat - ewww what? I know, I'm disgusting, but nothing is TMI anymore.  You don't even understand how much sweat, I'm not a generally sweaty person but my entire body was wet to touch, like I'd been standing outside in the rain for a few minutes.  Yeah, I know, GROSS.  It wasn't a particularly hot night, just a symptom creeping in.

I had to shower before school, which should've been a clear sign to my entire family that I was dying, because there's no way I'd be up early enough to do anything other than get dressed if there wasn't something wrong.

On another occasion, I was struggling to breathe one day after school and mentioned it to my mum.  She was a little bit concerned but I didn't want to go to hospital so I just told her it was fine again and we didn't go.  She did the typical mum thing "well if you're sure you're okay, but if it gets ANY worse..." and I thought that was the end of that.  It wasn't.

The next day, as I was running into my form room with my friends, I felt a stabbing pain in my chest, forcing me to stop and grab my boob.  That's not strictly weird behaviour, sometimes you're running and you just wanna grab a boob, it happens.   Just make sure you're grabbing your own boob, 'cause not everyone likes that.  We later found out that chest pains are a symptom when you have tumours all over your heart and lungs, who knew? But at the time I just assumed it was from the ten seconds of running... I mean they say it was the tumours, but I still partially blame the running... Cardio is no one's friend.

As I entered the room, my tutor came up to me and told me that I had to go to reception because I was going home.  He said my mum was waiting in the carpark and that she was going to take me to hospital, and I was furious.  I think I actually got a little bit angry at him.  I feel bad now because it wasn't his fault I had cancer, I just didn't want to leave.  I was having a good day and it was sunny and my friends and I were having fun.  Also, it was becoming clearer by the day that I had cancer... and I didn't really want cancer.

After almost throwing a tantrum right there, I think I told him that I didn't want to go and I wasn't going and he just said that I had to and I should go and talk to my mum about it, so I did.  We weren't going straight to the hospital, we were going home so I could pack an overnight bag in case I had to stay overnight to be monitored.  I was rude to her the whole way home.  I didn't want to stay overnight.  I didn't want to be monitored.  I wanted to go to my class.  In all my life I have never been so committed to my education.  Remember when we thought having the afternoon off was exciting and nothing was worse than school?  We were wrong, cancer is worse.

By the time we got home my mum was probably pretty pissed off with me, because - story of my childhood - I was being a brat.  She had explained that Louise called earlier that day and my mum told her that I was struggling to breathe the night before, so they asked me to come in.  I was so fuming and told her she was overreacting and that I'm clearly fine.  How dare you care about my health! Realistically, I was probably just scared and lashing out.  I don't remember feeling scared, not consciously, but I'm not sure why else I'd be such a dick.  I guess, probably because of my personality... I have too much attitude now, imagine me as a teenager! Imagine me as a scared teenager... my parents probably deserve some kind of award for putting up with that level of sass.

As soon as we got home, I went to my room and my mum tried to get me to pack a bag, but I was just mouthing off about how I wasn't going to stay in hospital because I was fine and CLEARLY I COULD BREATHE BECAUSE HOW ELSE WOULD I BE ABLE TO SHOUT SO MUCH.  I actually distinctly remember saying that because I thought I was being really clever and really funny... which ummm, let's face it, I kind of was.

I think my dad got back from work soon after and finally convinced me to just pack a bag so he could take me to hospital.  Mum stayed at home and waited for my sisters to get back so she could explain the situation.  Dad has slightly more patience with me than mum, but he also seemed less scared and erratic.  I think that's why I was more willing to do what he said at that point.  Actually, to say he has more patience with me would be unfair, my dad doesn't need as much patience, because by the time he comes along I'm already exhausted from the hours of arguing mum has had to put up with.  Mum definitely has more patience, dad just has better timing.

All he said was that I probably wouldn't have to stay, but it's better to have a bag than not to.  Logical.  He probably made some jokes about something, because that's what he does and then we left.  The thing is, dad is usually pretty chill, externally anyway.  He was also rational, he said I probably wouldn't have to stay overnight because I was fine and they just wanted to see me and check.  He said he didn't know what they'd say, but its not like the NHS are actively looking to fill their beds up.  Mum, on the other hand, is a mother.  I think she was preparing for the worst, which is why Hannah was pretty upset when I got back a few hours later.  Did I mention it was her birthday?  I know, way to steal your sister's thunder... I just really don't like other people getting the attention, even if it is their birthday.  That's not a joke, I actually didn't like other peoples' birthdays for that reason - but I think I took the attention stealing a little bit far in 2010.

Okay. Prepare yourself for an anticlimax - ladies, you should be pretty good at this. ;)

We went to the children's ward, we sat in an empty room and we waited for Louise.  I continued to complain.  Dad continued to joke about... I don't know, stuff and then Lousie came in.  She quickly checked me over, told us that she wasn't worried, checked that we were going to the other appointments that were lined up - the scans and the doctor in Bristol we had to see - and then she sent me home...

And I was furious.

Despite the fact that it was the best possible outcome, I was still a sarky bitch on the way back, bitching and moaning about how I had to pack a bag and that I was missing Hannah's birthday, and then I got home and she'd already opened all her presents.

Apparently she needed cheering up which is why she and mum had a party for two, and I felt guilty but processed that by getting angry and I think it was probably the worst birthday she ever had.

Don't worry, I made sure everyone else's birthdays were equally/exceedingly terrible that year.