This is what it's like.
I can't speak for everyone, because I only know my own experience... but being a student with anxiety and depression is hard. I mean, there are definitely benefits, like no one's really going to question it if you spent all day in bed or if all you're eating is tortilla chips. That's just students. I'm probably not falling too far behind everyone else in life.
On the flip side of that, there is absolutely nothing fun about lying in bed having a panic attack and comfort eating. Anxiety and depression is not exactly how I would've chosen to spend my uni days... or any of my days for that matter because it's kind of one of the most infuriating things ever.
It's not an extra excuse to stay in bed today, it's your own bed feeling like a safe place one minute and a prison the next.
It's cancelling on friends because 'you have too much work' when in reality you can't begin to think about your assignments right now because you'll have a panic attack and you actually just can't face going out.
It's not eating because you don't have any food in nor the energy or inclination to go out and buy some.
It's not knowing whether you can put off studying until tomorrow, because tomorrow you might wake up and be too miserable to get out of bed.
It's crying... A LOT.
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| Did I ever tell you I can do a really good impression of a raccoon? |
It's forgetting to take your meds for several days in a row, only to be reminded by the uncomfortable 'brain zap' withdrawal symptoms and then having a panic attack because you literally thought you're dying.
It's wanting to apply for internships and work experience, but worrying you won't be able to handle it or that you're not good enough or feeling overwhelmed when you even begin to look.
It's knowing that you probably have more on your plate than most of the people in your class, and then feeling guilty for thinking that because who knows what someone else is going through, and maybe they're just handling it better and perhaps you're just making a fuss.
It's wondering where the hell you would be without your antidepressants, because this is fucking hard work and they've already put your meds up once this year.
It's forgetting who you used to be, because you know it's normal for students not to do much, and putting aside the fact that you're exhausted and you never sleep well and that you're depressed, you probably wouldn't do anything anyway... even though you know that's a lie, because you've never actually liked lying in bed all day watching Netflix.
It's feeling like you can't do any of your assignments and thinking they are THE MOST important thing in the world one day and then not remotely caring the next.
It's forgetting how you really feel about things because your mental illnesses have been fighting for so long on whether it's really important or if it doesn't matter at all, because we're all going to die one day anyway.
It's not having a job because you're not sure you can handle it, but desperately wanting one because you're a student and you have a lot of time and a lot of debt.
It's having a really good point to make, but never being able to participate in class because you're worried you're wrong or that your opinion doesn't matter.
It's feeling guilty when you do anything that isn't studying, which is most of the time because you rarely have the energy or the willpower to actually open a book.
It's wondering if you'll actually be a suicide risk if you don't get the grades you want.
It's missing a lecture because you're not sure you can handle it and then feeling guilty because what if you missed something really important.
It's thinking your entire degree is at risk because you stopped listening for five minutes in a lecture.
It's going to the library and doing nothing.
It's telling people you're studying, so they think you're studying a lot and so maybe you'll convince yourself you're studying a lot, whereas in reality you are reading the same five sentences over and over again because you're not sure you really understand them.
It's not wanting to tell your parents because they're too far away and they can't help anyway and you're an adult now who doesn't need their parents messaging them every day.
It's not knowing yourself at all.
It's feeling like a complete burden to your friends on the few occasions you do manage to open up because they have work and deadlines too... and honestly, they do a lot more than lie in bed all day, so really, what am I stressing about?
It's looking forward to a night out and then getting way too drunk and feeling ashamed for days.
It's wondering if your lecturers think you're lazy or that you don't care, because you haven't done the extra reading or because it's obvious you're not always listening in class.
It's sending panicky emails because you don't understand the assignment and then being told that you're right on track and it sounds like you have a really good idea.
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| a literal extract from an reply to an email I sent a lecturer recently ahahhahaa |
It's Deliveroo and Netflix.
It's crying on your own and not knowing what you're crying about.
It's wanting to drop out every goddamn week.
It's putting off coursework and then panicking and then putting it off and then panicking and then putting it off some more and then finally completing it, in tears, assuming you've failed and doing much better than you thought.
It's your lecturer asking you why you have such low self-confidence and then you going on a tangent about your therapist and then him telling you that 'he knows talent when he sees it and you just need to believe in yourself more'... and then suggesting that you watch some motivational talks and get up every morning and roaring like a tiger in the mirror!
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| He said I should roar in a mirror every day and say "I'M A TIGER". I'll give it a go! |
It's struggling to manage your schedule, even though it's only four classes a week.
It's wondering if anyone in your lectures would believe that you're depressed because all you do in class is make jokes and act like you don't care at all.
It's going to see your tutor at the beginning of the year to tell them that you've been really struggling for the last year a half and on at least five occasions last semester you went through periods of not being able to get out of bed, but that you're on medication now and hoping it won't be a problem, only to hear that "a lot of students experience a bit of anxiety in their third year".
It's seeing a counsellor every week and not knowing what to tell her because suddenly everything seems really insignificant again, and you're not really sure why you're depressed at all.
It's finding out who your real friends are.
It's crying to those friends and receiving YET ANOTHER very inspirational pep talk, to get you through the day/week/month and then doing it all over again in the not too distant future.
It's discovering that even though it's a ballache and a struggle, you're more capable than you realise.
It's remembering that this will be over and you'll be okay again, and then convincing yourself that that's not true because you have bigger problems than university, and then convincing yourself that it is true and that uni is the problem, because then we can deal with the real problem later.
It's listening to sad music.
It's wanting to write a blogpost every week and then not being able to...
It's wondering how the hell you got here.
It's feeling fine in a lecture and laughing with your course friends and then coming home and feeling totally empty, questioning if any of those people actually like you and wondering why you were okay half an hour ago but feeling dead inside now.
It's scrolling through Instagram hella jealous of everyone you see, despite knowing that if you took one glance at your own Instagram it looks like you're living the dream.
It's wanting to go on dates and then going on them and feeling really anxious and remembering why you don't date, but still feeling like you're missing out when your friends date.
It's feeling like you're letting everyone down.
It's desperately wanting the good grades you've been working for since first year and wondering why you won't settle for less than that because it would be easier.
It's writing a list of everything that makes studying with anxiety and depression really difficult and stressing about it because you've probably forgot at least half of it and you're worried that you'll come across as pathetic and dramatic.
It's wondering if it's all worth it...
and carrying on anyway.
